Awakening the Clitoris

Thu, 12/29/2011 - 12:52
Submitted by Betty Dodson

After hearing countless sex histories from girls and women over the past four decades, I believe sexual repression begins the moment a parent or caregiver punishes a child’s natural curiosity for touching their own sex organs.

Society needs to understand that the health of each person’s sexlife rests upon childhood masturbation— the foundation upon which all of human sexuality is based. It’s very consistent that each client I see struggling with orgasms as an adult has no memory of masturbating in childhood or in their teens. The absence of this natural self-exploration interferes with the development of nerve pathways that carry positive sensations from our genitals to the pleasure center in the brain. This blocks or slows down the development of sexual release with orgasm.

Not as many boys get the same message of “Don’t touch your-self down there” as do girls. The male sex organ is more easily accessible so society tacitly agrees that a boy’s sexual interest is more natural or urgent due to the ejaculation of semen. However, all societies controlled by some form of organized religion demonize pleasure for its own sake, so boys suffer masturbation repression as well. The predominant acceptance for sexuality remains fixated on procreation within a monogamous heterosexual marriage— far too narrow an image. Therefore most of us are sinners in the eyes of the church which makes it much easier to control a large portion of the population by a few.

Female sexual conditioning is already in play when a concerned parent unknowingly sets up a sexual double standard when mothers want their sons to be sexual but fear their daughters might end up with an unwanted teen pregnancy with all that entails. Therefore, most girls grow up without any idea of where her sexual feelings come from except by accident like climbing a rope in gym class, clenching their legs together or rocking on the arm of an overstuffed chair. They become fixated on some weird form of indirect clitoral stimulation that rarely translates into partnersex. Meanwhile, boys learn to come quickly to avoid getting “caught in the act.” This leads to adult men ejaculating fast because they have not learned to sustain heightened sexual feelings. So for every pre-orgasmic woman there is a pre-mature ejaculating man.

Add to this all the jokes, disgust or moral condemnation shown toward masturbation and we have a recipe for preventing people from discovering the joys of orgasmic sex. Those who do masturbate often struggle with guilt and self-loathing. Once we include Dr. Freud’s theory of “mature vaginal orgasms” for women and more recently the much debated, yet fashionable G spot, we have a population that is very sexually confused. Men believe they must “give” a woman her orgasm to prove they’re good lovers while women have been conditioned to protect the male ego. Many women end up faking an orgasm to avoid hurting a lovers feelings and thus sacrificing their own pleasure. As if that isn’t bad enough, we misname the female genitals by reducing all the parts down to a “vagina” which only refers to the birth canal. When was the last time you saw the word clitoris in print or heard it said on television?

Sex educators know this: When we go on television, we are told we can say “G” spot but refer to the clitoris as the “C” spot. When I was interviewed by Bill O’Reilly in 2002, I was told that I couldn’t say “Orgasms for Two” the title of my book, so I had to use the sub title, “The Joy of Partnersex.” Bill said it was because his was a “family show.” I took that to mean families didn’t have any orgasms which is probably closer to the truth.

As long as church and state continues to limit sex to procreation, we’ll have a severely repressed society. Nearly all men can ejaculate quickly but far too many women are not orgasmic. These women suffer from guilt and self-loathing and blame themselves for being “frigid” or today it’s called “sexually dysfunctional.” Both women and men end up comparing themselves to porn stars, which has been society’s primary form of sex education. Naturally this causes more insecurity and dissention in relationships often leading to divorce and the break-up of families. But a sexually controlled society is much easier to manipulate by a few authoritarian dictators, priests, or other so-called leaders.

We now have a chance to change the course of history with the emerging Global Revolution. This time we must complete the sexual revolution that began in the sixties by including orgasmic pleasure in the teaching of human sexuality.

“Help me Dr. Betty. I’ve never had an orgasm.” I have lost track of how many times I‘ve answered this very same question: I want to share this near perfect example from Rebecca. Her story represents many young girls’ struggle with the inability to discover and enjoy the experience of orgasm. In a society where sex is everywhere we turn, this can be emotionally very painful. She feels broken and sexually inadequate.

Rebecca’s first question: Friday, Jun 17, 2011

“I’m almost twenty years old, and I’ve never had an orgasm. I have no problem with getting aroused. I think about sex a lot, I want sex a lot, and I fantasize about sex regularly. However, touching my vulva, being touched or having intercourse doesn’t seem to work right for me. I love sex – I love the idea of a man being inside me, I love touching a man and pleasuring him. I just don’t seem to get the physical pleasure other girls do. Often, sex is very painful for me.

The same goes for oral or manual stimulation. It feels horrible half of the time; I can’t seem to stand my clitoris being touched. So oral sex feels like a combination of very little pleasure and absolute pain. I love going down on men, and honestly, that is what I prefer since there is no expectation and I can focus on him being turned on. Besides, I am sick of explaining I don’t come so he doesn’t feel badly if he doesn’t give me an orgasm. I would fake one for him, but I have no idea how.

The only times I would feel any pleasure are during dry humping when I was on top (oddly, it feels better with clothes on). Or when on the bed, I would lie on my stomach and he would lie on top of me while entering from behind. I think it was because the pleasure was less centered, more spread out, but not consistent. Just occasionally he would hit the right spot for a few moments, and suddenly I would feel a slight build up, then he would always speed up because I was reacting positively. But I’d loose the right spot after a few seconds anyway so he gets a release and I get to lie there still feeling turned on, and ashamed.

My ex would tell me, “It will happen someday.” But if I can’t maintain pleasure for more than a few moments very occasionally, how can I possibly expect a build-up to orgasm? Each time he would try to encourage me by telling me “To come” and I would just get depressed. It is not going to happen at this rate, and if I tell someone the truth about how it sometimes hurts, no one will want to be with me.

I know masturbation is the key here, but without having a man around, I do not feel turned on. I feel stupid and nervous, and I will lie there for ages until it gets depressing and I just can’t bear it anymore. I’ve tried vaginal stimulation, clitoral stimulation, that shower head technique... it feels numb or horribly painful, and I just don’t know how to get aroused by myself. No gynecologist has told me there is anything physically wrong, so I’m at a loss. I’m sick of feeling like a failure. I’m sick of feeling frustrated and still aroused after sex, and I’m sick of having no idea what everyone else is enjoying.

I know orgasm is not the end-all-be-all of sex. I still enjoy having sex, so I will keep having it. But since I’m feeling so frustrated, it makes finding a partner very difficult. I didn’t even have oppressive parents. They have been very open and supporting in every way, so what’s wrong with me? I just want to know what an orgasm is, to feel it at least once in my life. I want to know what I’m missing. I want sex to be what it’s supposed to be. The only other aspect that might come into the picture was being touched inappropriately by a boy at age 16, but I was having trouble with masturbation long before that. I have also taken anti-depressants from age 14 to 18, but I took Welbutrin for a while after, which is supposed to fix the sexual dysfunction they cause, and I am no longer depressed. Other than that, I have an anxiety disorder... But even with my scheduled anxiety drugs, I’m not able to function any better, so I’m still at a loss. I apologize for the length of this, but I’ve just never really been open about sex like this before. Thank you for your time. I love your website. It’s really incredible what you’re doing!”

My respsonse:

Dear Rebecca,

What you describe is a common pattern for legions of young women today. In my opinion, it was insane to put a 14 year old girl on an anti-depressant drug. It is a known fact that these drugs interfere with a person's sexual build-up to orgasm. The same goes for Welbutrin. Google Welbutrin side effects and read the information available. Today it is all too easy to take a child to a doctor and get a quick fix with some drug.

You sound like a smart young woman so I recommend you make a 350 degree turn around and embrace alternative healing modalities. Change your diet and use yoga and meditation for your anxiety. We all have some degree of feeling anxious; its part of the human condition. Burn off some of your pent up sex frustration by taking up a sport where you can sweat. Work out in a gym, swim lengths in a pool (my favorite). For now, don’t focus so much on wanting an orgasm with a partner. Your young man knows even less than you do about female sexuality. You need to practice masturbation alone by exploring your vulva and to focus on stimulating your clitoris.

Stop being such a drama queen by claiming that clitoral stimulation "either feels numb or horribly painful." Unless you are beating up on your clit with dry fingers or some hard objects, “horribly painful” is a bit of an exaggeration. Maybe “discomfort” or “intense” would be better terms. In addition, the fact that you cannot focus on yourself without a "man around" makes you a victim. It’s highly unlikely that any man will be able to help you have an orgasm unless you can go there first. I know that many boys chant, "Come, come, come!" But that just creates more pressure on girls to perform and it’s a sure way to turn us off. While these young men mean well, they are using the male model of sexual response that doesn’t work for us. So it’s back to basics.

Go to How to Orgasm and follow my step-by-step process. Your clitoris needs to be awakened by your own gentle touch. Begin with an over-all vulva massage using some organic oil like coconut. You have a lot to overcome and learn so do not expect instant success. Sex is like any art form; first, the basics are learned and then practiced like a dancer working out at the exercise bar in front of mirrors. All the information you need is on the website. Let me know when you succeed. I am rooting for you.

Rebecca’s second response follows:

“I wanted to thank you for what you wrote to me a few months back. You were right. My clitoris had not been awakened. That wording was perfect, and it really made me think. I never would have imagined that the extreme sensitivity I felt could really be solved just by touching myself regularly! You were right, though. You were so, so right. It is just like trying to jump into cold water: you have to start by wading in the shallow end or it will be unpleasant. So finally, I worked through it, and I had my first orgasm!

I read your article on How to Orgasm. I spent time. I went slowly. I focused on what felt good rather than what I thought I was supposed to feel. I learned what worked for me and what did not. I decided to masturbate at least a couple times a week. Then I tried sex with more than one person. I had sex where I was in control and overall, I have loosened up. It was the best thing I have ever done for myself.

I do not have an orgasm every time I masturbate, and I’ve only managed once with partnersex (oral and manual), but now I know it will take time. I am not expecting an orgasm from vaginal penetration. Actually, I was finally able to tell a partner to stop focusing on my vagina and focus on my clitoris instead! Even after he said other girls can come vaginally, I did not feel guilty. I am finally focusing on me, rather than focusing on what others think. I feel so much more confident. I cannot thank you enough. Thank you for messaging me back. Thank you for rooting for me, and for other girls out there dealing with this. Just, thank you so much.”

This first category of problems for pre-orgasmic girls stems from lack of masturbation. The second category is having small orgasms but they are unable to identify them due to their expectations of what they “think” an orgasm will be like. Their ideas about orgasm are either based on watching porn, which is entertainment for men, or scenes from movies where women seem to orgasm effortlessly or noisily; once again for the sake of entertaining an audience.

“Dear Dr. Betty.
I'm 25, and until last night I'd believed I'd never really had an orgasm, except for possibly one time shortly after I started masturbating around the age of 12. I've masturbated almost religiously since then, often several times a day, with breaks occasionally where I just get too discouraged to try anymore and quit for a few months.

So Last night I read through the entire section on not being able to orgasm, and the stories of many women were eerily similar to mine. I feel something building and I always feel just on the verge of coming, like I'm teetering on the edge of a cliff. But it feels too good, or too intense, and then all of a sudden I'm empty. Arousal leaves me and I don't want to be touched. This leaves me feeling unsatisfied and incomplete, and so very frustrated. Every time your response to these women, women like me, was the same: “THAT'S an orgasm.” Since it doesn't feel like a release, I didn't think it was. Those feelings are so intense, and seem to be building towards something downright explosive, so the fizzle I got instead is, well, anti-climatic.

Because of your beautiful mission to educate us about our own bodies, I've come to the startlingly simple truth: For 13 years I've just been asking the wrong question. Instead of 'why can't I orgasm? What's wrong with me?' I should have been asking, 'What can I do to improve my orgasms?’ It never occurred to me to ask, because to improve I would need to have one to start with. Last night when I masturbated, I really focused on the sensations, thinking about it from the standpoint that I orgasm every time I masturbate. And I realized you were right - it does feel like a release, just a quiet, gentle one. My inner muscles don't contract or convulse, but now I know they don't have to.

So today, I decided to try to keep going after my clit stopped being so sensitive. I slowly built up and ended up having five of my little orgasms. Instead of feeling frustrated I felt relaxed and sleepy and content. There was no more pressure on myself. Now, instead of giving up after what I thought was no orgasm, I'm going to enjoy myself, and see if I can start building up to more intense orgasms. Now that I know the right question to ask, I can experiment with my orgasms (I'm still in disbelief that I can put those two words together!) Not giving up after one already helps!

So once again, thank you so much. It seems now like such a simple thing, but I felt broken and ashamed to admit to partners I wouldn't be able to orgasm with them. Now I'm excited by the prospect of fun mornings (afternoons, and evenings...) exploring a part of myself I never realized existed. I feel like Cinderella finally getting to go to the ball. So keep doing what you're doing. The women of this world need you.”
The First Two Problems: No masturbation followed by exaggerated idea of orgasm.

1. No masturbation: The big problem for these young girls who have never masturbated is that they have no idea how their sex organ functions. Learning how to orgasm during partnersex is very unlikely unless the man involved has a soft touch and is willing to spend a lot of time gently stimulating her clitoris with moistened fingers. Or he is gifted in performing oral sex and has the patience to keep going for thirty minutes or more. Even if he succeeds, she is then totally dependent on him for all of her sexual pleasure. While that might stroke his ego in the beginning, it will soon seem like a job without pay.

2. Exaggerated image of orgasm: girls who leave it up to their boyfriends to help them have an orgasm become the classic image of the blind leading the blind. He knows even less than she does because his sex organ functions totally differently from hers. If he’s circumcised and unfortunately most boys are, he relies on rapid friction to order to ejaculate. Boys with foreskins are gentler with a self-lubricating sex organ. It’s clear to many that the basic idea behind this barbaric practice is to prevent boys from masturbating.

The first step begins toward sexual healing is looking at your vulva in a mirror that stands alone to free both of your hands. None of this one-handed exploration will work. Next is a good light. Begin with a vulva massage using organic massage oil and slowly progress to manual stimulation of your clitoris. After five or so minutes, use your vibrator on low and keep it near the clitoris but not on it at first. Some women start above the clitoris or use the vibrator on the outer labia to soften the vibes. (Today I use a sock on my Magic Wand). As you feel sexual excitement building, keep moving the vibrator. One consistent mistake I have observed is to bear down with your vibrator to increase sensation. That never works. It will just numb out the entire area.

Once you have your first orgasm, back off and let those 8,000 nerve endings in your clitoris calm down. Then continue stimulation above or below Ms. Clitty while rocking your pelvis and breathing. This is when many of us can experience lovely after-shocks of pleasure as the sex energy continues to course through our bodies. Some women like to go on and have another orgasm while others are content with just one. Many have discovered that as long as the stimulation is to their liking, they can continue to have several more orgasms until physically tired. In my experience, each orgasm has its own build-up with varying lengths of time in-between. Sexual response is very personal. No one style fits all.

We need to explore our bodies with an open mind, without any fixed agenda or ideas of what an orgasm will feel like. We now have two generations of youth who have grown up with the abstinence only model as their primary source of sex information. Porn is entertainment for men and rarely if ever incorporates women’s sexual needs. Most important for all of us to realize is women function quite differently than men— we cannot expect orgasmic results in 5 or even 10 minutes. Yet this timing is adequate for most men.

Go to the Navigation Bar at and click on “Ask Dr. Betty.” Read other women’s questions which will help you to form your own. When we lack sex information and have a minimum of experience, we don’t know enough to even form the right question. But once you have the information to help you explore your body more expertly, you’ll discover new physical sensations and feelings. In no time al all you will be an orgasmic woman well on her way to enjoying a happy sex life. Just remember, sex is like any other skill: it must be learned and then practiced. My recommendation is to practice regularly as though you were training for the Sexual Olympics.

Liberating women one orgasm at a time

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Required reading for gynosexual penis owners

Thu, 12/29/2011 - 16:06
Jake E

Wow had to read your post there in 2 parts with a break in between :) But what amazing information for guys too. Especially the job without pay part :) Though how many masseurs get to massage someone they have the hots for in a sexual way that includes kissing labia :) Apart from the joy of mutual pleasuring, there's your pay :) If your partner can and wants to masturbate herself that leaves you free to do all kind of things for/to her that stimulate both of you.  But yeah Betty your post is required reading for gynosexual penis owners too. 

Thank you, Betty

Fri, 12/30/2011 - 01:00

I applaud your work, Betty.  I too was repressed, not in an obvious parental way, but by a society that told me there was something wrong with me for not orgasming by penetration sex.  I have finally become orgasmic in the past year at the age of 40.  I have educated myself on the topic, both through your work and that of others.  I have had a long talk with my 14 year-old daughter about masturbation being healthy, and that it is something I want her to do.  She had a notion that it was "disgusting", even though we had never discussed it before, and she had never been told "not to touch herself there."  We talked about the parts of the vulva and all of society's myths about sex.
I am also a Christian.  I find it tragic that so many "Christians" have denounced masturbation as a sin, when there is no such statement in the Bible.  If anything, God tells us to treat our body as a temple.  And in the Song of Solomon, He tells us to enjoy our body and that of our partner.  God designed our bodies to feel pleasure, designed the clitoris to be the wonderful organ it is, and designed us all to be unique.  It is the human beings who have taken God's word and twisted it to their own ends, for the sake of controlling others. They have caused so much pain.  Thank you, Betty, for doing something to repair all that.

I love this post. It's really

Sun, 01/01/2012 - 12:46
lsjb (not verified)

I love this post. It's really helpful.
But the drawing  distracts me from the energy and wisdom.  It's ravaged, malnourished and frightening.
what's up?

Hey! lsjb, that's a drawing of the artist as a young thin girl.

Sun, 01/01/2012 - 21:13
Betty Dodson

 We were fasting and juicing and getting right down to our essence. I was having so much sex that I was rarely hungry and I wasn't snorting coke. Yes, we were smoking weed and drinking lots of water and apple juice. Ah those were the days, my friend, we thought they'd never end. . . .

Can your clitoris desensitize over the years?

Wed, 01/25/2012 - 11:46
Anonymus (not verified)

I love masturbating and have been doing so ever since I was like ten years old. I have used my hands, the bathtub faucet, electric toothbrushes, pillows, arm chairs, etc. I was just curious as to wether or not your clitoris can become less sensitive throughout the years. I go through these stages where I am masturbating every day with vibrators and my hands. Is this waaaaaay too much and will it eventually end up hurting me?

I think the jury's in on our

Wed, 12/11/2013 - 17:47
Jeffrey65802 (not verified)

I think the jury's in on our sexual attitudes are shaped most as young children, and by how our parents handle our masturbating and sexual discovery. My Mom didn't say much more about mine as a young boy except mention she had books in her room about sex and if I wanted to look at them that was ok. She only raised an objection when she began walking in on me and my cousin when we were both about 10 onwards. We'd never had actual intercourse but did indeed know being nude together and rubbing against each other while kissing felt good. She didn't object again until she found my dildo and put me on the spot about what I was doing, and where I was going on weekends. "I'm going to stay at my boyfriend's and fucking his brains out Mom." She never inquired again :) But despite those little quirks of her's, she didn't raise me to feel especially ashamed of my body or sexuality, and I credit her (and finding "Sex For One" in a school library) with my positive outlook to this day.

Speaking of jury's Dr. Dodson, what happened with your thing? I read something about being challenged in court about this site, and you're being questioned by a state attorney or something? How'd that turn out?

First Time Masturbating

Wed, 05/20/2015 - 13:10
Sophie (not verified)

 Dear Betty,
I am 21 years old and currently frustrated. I lost my virginity when I was 14 and I always thought that being wet was having an orgasm or cuming. Since then, I have been sexualy active with different partners and always enjoyed having sex. The first time I came was 4 years ago and I can't point out exaclty what my partner was doing, so it never happened again.
Two weeks ago, while having sex with my partner, he got frustrated and asked me why didn't I come. He arouses me very much and I enjoy having sex a lot with him, but it is very hard to complete a full orgasm even though he is always concentrated in sexually pleasuring me. I talked to one of my friends and she explained the pillow fuck techinique (which I dont get, should I be on top of it?). She told me she had been masturbating since she was 15 and that every time she had sex she came once or even twice.
This problem has become an issue that I truly want to solve. I have seen several of your videos explaining clitoral stimulation but somehow, even though I spend 30-40 minutes touching my self I dont get even close to an orgasm. This morning was my second time masturbating and I really want to overcome this masturbation taboo that society has put on girls, but I truly need your help.Sex is something I have always enjoyed and I will keep enjoing it, but I want my partner to feel confident about himself, and I want to feel as much pleasure as he does.
Thankyou for all the insight and help you have been giving me! I'm open and very gratefull for any comments and advice you could give me.

Sophie, go to First Time Orgasm

Wed, 05/20/2015 - 14:44
Betty Dodson

 and follow my step by step process. Sex is like any other skill, it must be learned and then praciticed over time. This is NOT an instant fix or over night process. You need to train your body to respond to your own clitoral stimualtion FIRST.

Keep reading the website and other Q&A's I've already answered. If you paid attention to what I said in "Awakening the Clitoris" you would have a much better understanding.  I cannot take you by the hand and lead you. Be more proactive and learn to orgasm like a balet dancer practicing at the bar or an art student drawing from the nude.
Dr. Betty

Dear Betty, A dear Male

Sun, 07/12/2015 - 12:25
Tammy G. (not verified)

Dear Betty,
A dear Male friend just told me about an article that talks about you and your work and I find my self reading so many amazing things that come so handy. my friend means well and he knows i have some issues and i am very greatful he directed me your way. i dont even know what my question is.. I know i have a few but sex is a bit of a blurry scary concept for me. I am a 47 year old woman, separated for the past 3 years. That means no sex. My sexual relationship with my husband harldly worked out but i did have times were I was invested in it. i have experience orgasm and i did masturbate plenty as a tennager but somewere down the line something went wrong. I liked sex, I Enjoyed sex but I believe it was mostly to feel accepted and looking for aproval so i began to resent it. since very young i had a very femenine and curvy figure and got lots of atention from men but always related to sex, and their own pleassure. not really mine so i resented it even more. I off course grew up with all the stigmas and tabbues about sexuality you can think off and i experience guilt feelings about loosing my virginity at age 19 .i never felt good in of, and sex was like a tool for conection. Now I am at this stage in my life, feeling extremely inadecuate, having no idea how to feel, with body image issues becaue my body is not as i would want although my male frineds find me extremely atractive. i seem to have shut down my sexuality and even have a hard time masturbating. i do from time to time but many times i am not even able to orgasm and I am left feeling frustrated and angry at my self. I dont have a good relationship with my femenine body parts, I am not weel aqueinted with my clit , vulva, vagina etc. I have this disgusting lingering feeling about them. i have been feeling that sex might just not be for me but sudenly I reconected with an old time aquantaince of mine that I had not seen in over 20 years and his sweet, generous frindly attitude has ignited something in me that i didnt think possible. I am very scared to have sex but my body and mind are screaming for it (with this man). i want to have sex for me too not only to please a man. I have never been confortable voicing out what I want or need and i am afraid i dont know how. I feel so out of place but my mind and my body are running trhe show. Any advise? i must mention that for the longest time sex and masturbation was just about getting it off and working to get it over with. not fun as it was when i was a tennager. Back then it was an entire experience. i want to do it right, I want it to be fun, enjoiyable, playful etc. both sex and masturbation... but I no longer know how or feel inadecuate... Help.


OK Tammy, I keep saying I don't answer questions here BUT....

Mon, 07/13/2015 - 10:57
Betty Dodson

Here I go again. Listen to your own words...."I have been feeling that sex might just not be for me but sudenly I reconected with an old time aquantaince of mine that I had not seen in over 20 years and his sweet, generous frindly attitude has ignited something in me that i didnt think possible."

I'd say this is the perfect moment to have sex wth a partner again. It just might be exactly what you need to light up your body/mind again. Go for it.

Dr. Betty

Clitoral stimulation and orgasm

Tue, 05/31/2016 - 02:35
VictoriaJadeKing (not verified)

Honestly, I feel as if I am broken and I want to cry. I've done a lot of research on orgasming, how to's, and I've even taken your advice. But when I'm about to apply any pressure to my clit, while I am VERY aroused, it never feels good. It just feels as if I'm touching myself in another place like my elbow or knee. My ex boyfriend would finger me, and he did it amazingly. He'd use 1-2 fingers, go in and out slowly or rapidly, he'd go deeply, and when his fingers were inside me he'd bend them up and down and it felt great. He added stimulation to my clit, rubbing in circles slowly then faster and I was literally trembling in my seat. I was so very close to coming, but then he stopped and neither with a lot of masturbation on my part or fingering from my current boyfriend feels as good as it did then. I don't know why it felt so good that ONE time but now whenever I do it myself, it just feels like another body part, no matter how horny I may be.

Victoria, you're not broken

Fri, 06/03/2016 - 02:10
notsoanonymous (not verified)

You're holding on to one experience you had and now you expect everytime you masturbate to feel the same. Were you able to orgasm and feel something before? You remember everything your ex boyfriend did that you enjoyed, so you should do the same to yourself. Awakening your clitoris will take time. Nothing feels as good as it did that one time, but someday it will. You can't force moments like that. Also, if you're on any sort of antidepressants they can cause problems with sensitivity and orgasm. I had to stop taking them because of this. It can take 20-30 minutes just to get started, so make sure you're taking your time. Keep reading on the site, I can't imagine where I would be if I hadn't. Don't give up :)

Betty- Love your work; love

Sun, 06/12/2016 - 06:29
Jocelyn (not verified)


Love your work; love your advice. But I find it very ugly that you say "it was insane to put a 14 year old girl on an anti-depressant".
I started anti-depressants when I was 13, and yes it did screw up my libido in a way I'm still dealing with 9 years later. However, I was in a very bad place when I was 13. I had two nervous breakdowns and several more depressive episodes; I was extremely suicidal.
It's very easy to sit back and say "Well you shouldn't have been put on those drugs". But to me, that sounds and feels like shame. To me, I hear, "Well, if you hadn't been so screwed up and weak, you wouldn't have needed those drugs that messed up your sexual drive." Because I did need those drugs. I still do. And I accept that I have a trade-off to deal with. But please do not shame those of us who had to and have to take anti-depressants.

unaccounted matters

Sun, 09/04/2016 - 03:10

I really enjoy the help you offer, but once in a while you say somehting that comes off as if your missing something important or refusing to accept a fact/reality. Such as for the girl in your story, where she says she can't be aroused without a man around and you chastize her for making herself into a "victem" - this would be very dicouraging and might really hurt somewomen who find men are what stimulate them *mentally*. Perhapse acknowledging that this is in fact a fetish, but not an absolute requirement to orgazim would be useful. Such as to say that yes, she might find much stimulation in the attraction she has for a man (arousal), but that she can still physically stiumlate herself to orgasm; she probably has other arousal stimulators if she thinks on it or explores is, so she is not limited to having a man around to achieve orgasm and so she can and should find what other ways in which she can reach one.
It's great that she thought your ording was perfect, but other people may find it damagingly confusing, if they;re taking what you say to heart and misinterpret it due to lack of complete information in the writing. Pretending facts such as fetishes/psychological arousal stimuli (view of a sexy man or his abs or a girl's breasts or hips whatever it may be) are "rubbish" doesn't do much for the person who knows their tastes. Thats not to say that she wasn't going to be able to achieve orgasm without a man, but rather implying that her "fetish" makes her a "victim" could confuse some other people who are more sensitive and/or less learned on the matter and may take what you said in this way and so then think that haveing a man be their fetish isn't okay... but it is okay to have fetishes surrounding having a male around, and im sure you agree on that; its just also true that for most people this isn't their only fetish, and in any even imagination could help fill this gap when no one is aroud. Certainly her arousal from somehting related to a male isn't wrong - nothing about healthy sexuality is wrong, correct?
All im saying it not fogetting to acknowledge these things might be very helpful for many people just diving in who dont need any more confusion. Saying that having a man around is rubbish is a bit misleading to your cause, which seems to actually be "having fetishes surrounding a male or your partner is okay, but it's not the only way. U can find other ways to achive that arousal through exploration, and dont discount imagination; and then, after finding your arousal by yourself you can explore and stimulate yourself, and with that you've started on the right path toward owning your own sexuality." Or something to that effect.  
I hope what im trying to say has gotten across. Thanks for your informative website, it's been a very educational, so far.   

Love what you are doing

Wed, 10/26/2016 - 08:58
Vibratinglove (not verified)

Hi Betty,
I just want to appreciate you for changing the sex life of many for the better. Kudos.

Awakening the Clitoris

Wed, 12/20/2017 - 05:18
jacqueline gilpin

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Awakening the Clitoris

Wed, 12/20/2017 - 05:19
jacqueline gilpin

It's very wrong why you do this and it's not good for our new generation.In this articles please hide all vulgar pictures in all articles.[url=]Expert Essay Help.[/url]