Drowning in Sexual Guilt

Mon, 03/25/2013 - 08:31
Submitted by Betty Dodson


I am an 18 year old boy, and will soon be attending university. I feel guilty and sick about a few things I have done privately, that are disgusting or unorthadox. I feel like these things were done under states of confusion, as they are things that now I have no desire to do again. I suppose I was experimenting.

I once, well twice, masturbated publicly. Both times in the park outside of college, once in the woods far from any other people. But once also in the public park - it was a very quiet afternoon and there was nobody around, and after I had done it (over a year ago) I immediately forgot. But looking back, I feel very strange and guilty about this - I am terrified that if I ever tell someone close to me - a friend, a future girlfriend, they will think I am a pervert. I did not do it for the thrill of being caught, and I don't know if it counts as public if nobody was around. I think I had an abstract idea of the outside being liberating. My friend once, who works in a shop, once saw a boy aggressively pleasuring himself under his jeans in the middle of a fairly crowded shop - and he was in there with his family! his parents, his sister...

the whole scene sounds absurd and the guy surely is pretty twisted. But am I any different? I personally can't imagine, not even in my weirdest moments, doing it in such a public place, with my family around and a shop-worker watching me. But I am scared that I am just as twisted as that guy.

I am not a pervert, I do not think, just that I did a few things as a teenager around 16/17 I feel that are twisted and that I can't even say out loud even to myself. I don't know what I was thinking at these moments or why I did them.

Other things I feel guilt about is that at one point, I began to wonder if there were any other ways to masturbate, rather than just the conventional way. Then I saw a video on the internet, in which a woman was 'instructing' me how to do it in a different way. She said to lie on my back with my legs up against the wall so that I was jerking off vertically onto my own face - and I complied. She said lick it, and I did (even though I couldn't do much before feeling sick). Afterwards, I immediately felt guilty but again quickly forgot about this until I recently remembered doing this. I have no desire ever to do this again, but that I ever did it at all disturbs me as I never considered myself a perverse person. I also once for a few weeks experimented with trying prostate stimulation but soon stopped.

I also for a time watched and was aroused by humiliation videos online of men being 'dominated' and mocked by women. I think I was aware even then of the inherent ridiculousness of the premises, but still to think I sought these videos after becoming aware for a few weeks makes me feel very strange and like a bad person. I also once saw and was aroused by a video of Gene Simmons with a prostitute, it was an embarrassing video and yet I still felt aroused by it. To this day, I cannot listen to Kiss (not that I ever did before...besides the point).

Also, I once had sexual fantasies about my cousin who is three or four years older and attractive, it was only one occasion and again, it is something I never want to feel again and have never done before or since. I feel sick and guilty for ever thinking this.

I think this is all of the stuff that I have done that is not conventional, teenage boy stuff. I also feel bad in retrospect that my hygiene with this stuff was bad too, and I would go in my underwear and then continue to wear them (I feel terrible looking back. I am not this way anymore). For some reason I never fully saw it as dirty as it all seemed to disappear soon after. This is maybe the worst thing of all of this, and to have been so dirty is just awful. Is this forgivable? I have changed now, but still, to have been so bad in the past disturbs me and I feel so guilty.

It has been tormenting me - and I am terrified this stuff all makes me a bad person. I am an honest person, and I refuse to lie about things to people that matter to me - I find it impossible to deny these things to myself. I am scared that if ever tell any of this to anyone they will reject me and that they will call me a freak.

Writing them here...I guess it's probably best you don't post this on the site, or at least if you do, use a different name please. It all seems kind of ridiculous when I actually write these thoughts down. Am I just being ridiculous, or should I feel guilty about all of this stuff? It occurs to me that if a friend or a girl or anybody really told me they did these things as a teenager, it would not bother me at all. For the record, all of my personal preferences are pretty normal, but maybe I had too much time on my hands.

I am also concerned as I am known to be, and usually feel like a pretty nice and naive person. I am naturally shy, but I can often be goofy and upbeat. But I think all of this would really shock anybody who knew me as I am known as the person that probably knows nothing about this stuff. Like I am too innocent maybe. I have begun to feel like I am a liar being my natural self, that I am somehow conning people into thinking i'm a nice person when i'm really not at all, that I am a creep. I feel like I am maybe more tolerant of girls for this kind of this stuff - I can imagine girls doing all this stuff (or female equivalents) and not feeling like it was even at all weird. But to imagine other boys I admire having done all of this stuff is impossible - and the humiliation if they ever knew I can not comprehend.

Personally, i'd just like to put all the ridiculous teenage stuff behind me and move on with my life. If I can laugh about something, I can generally live with it, if I can be honest about myself with others, and they accept me, I am ok. Do you think I can be forgiven for the stuff i've written above? It is affecting my personal confidence recalling these things.


Dear J,

Your biggest problem is carrying around a load of unnecessary guilt for doing harmless teenage stuff that to my mind is insignificant. EXCEPT for the amount of guilt you associate with these silly moments. You must forgive yourself or be haunted by imaginary sins. Frankly you sound like some religious nut but even then, most Christians believe that god does forgive them. But the real test for you will be forgiving yourself. Guilt is such a worthless emotion. We don't learn from and it keeps us stuck in the same place. So I say, get over it. STOP it right now! Or seek out professional help. It's your choice.

Dr. Betty

Liberating women one orgasm at a time

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You're normal

Tue, 03/26/2013 - 17:41

Experimenting is pefectly normal, and it shouldn't be something you beat yourself up about--especially considering the things you've done aren't even that out there. Personally, when I'm alone in the woods I often want to masturbate. Nature is a very powerful thing, and I think it pulls at something in us that makes us want to feel connected to the planet and the universe. Several of my friends feel the same way about wanting to be nude/masturbate when they're alone in nature. It has nothing to do with being an exhibitionist or a "pervert," and I think it's sort of beautiful.

The other things you mentioned don't sound that weird, either. Lots of people taste themselves when masturbating or having sex--male and female--and even if it's something you're not interested in doing again, it's not weird at all that you would be curious about trying different things while masturbating, especially as a teen.

I actually do get where you're coming from in feeling guilty for your fantasies about humiliation. I used to struggle with feeling guilty/dirty for things I fantasized about during sex, but then I realized how silly that was. Fantasizing doesn't hurt anybody and actually feels really good. Humiliation is a fairly common fantasy for men, so you shouldn't feel weird or like it's something only girls would be into. If it's something you're interested in, enjoy! Embrace your kinks and love yourself.

You don't need to be forgiven because there's nothing to forgive. You just need to realize that fantasizing and sexual exprimentation are a human thing, not a "teenage" thing, and accept that most everyone does it, even the guys you admire. As for future partners and disclosing your past, hopefully you find an open-minded, sexually-liberated partner who will join in with your fantasies and enjoy them as much as you (hopefully) will. Life's too short for guilt, especially over something non-major. Did you kill anyone with your masturbatory practices? Maim? Psychologically scar? No, you didn't. Because it's natural and healthy. Now go start your sexual revolution.